I fell asleep watching porn last night lol
the worst is having a dream where someone loves you and you can practically feel them touching you and it feels so real and then you wake up and it’s like the life is being sucked out of you and the happiness just drains out of your body and you feel empty again
Just because someone’s parents are together, someone has a nice house, has nice clothes, isn’t poor, eats every day and has a loving family doesn’t mean they can’t be depressed, have anxiety, an eating disorder, self harm issues, or any other problem.
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."
Please know I am sorry. I wish you didn’t have to deal with me. The time I have had with you was amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If I could do one thing before I go I would want to meet you just one time. Just to show you how much I loved you and still love you. I’ve lost my motivation to live. I am so sorry I wasn’t a better person. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a perfect “girlfriend”Even though in the end you felt guilty and we had to stop I’m glad I got to know you. You’re amazing and I know you’ll go far. I’m sorry I won’t be here to see you succeed. I love you, K. Goodbye.